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Name: kmfrontain
Location: Quebec, Canada

I write. I edit. I publish. I'm on Lulu as a self-pubber. I worked as an associate editor for Wild Child Publishing and Freya's Bower for over a year. Now I do book covers for them.



Tuesday, February 28, 2006

More on "as", questions answered

One person on another forum said that she didn't know "as" was a writing no-no. It's not. Here's my answer to her comment, and warning! A bit of homoerotic action in this post:

Not if it's used discreetly and also not when it's NOT used exclusively. Even I use it, but not exclusively. I just can't stand seeing page after page after page of "as" used as the exclusive timing word. If you look in the dictionary, you'll see that "as" has many definitions. In my college dictionary, the use of "as" as a timing word is the number nine entry, not one, not two. Nine. And the example was "Pay as you go."

If you look at older works of fiction, you'll see that it's use as a timing word was not as prevalent. But somehow it's all over the place now, and I can't help reading works with overuse of it as the writing of highschool students, because that's where I saw it the most first.

It's not using it for a timing word that makes it immature writing. It's that it is overused, to the point where there is no sentence variety whenever timing of action does occur. That was the purpose of the rant. Wanted to wake up some aspiring writers, I suppose. Make them see possibilites.

When I do an edit, I look for overuse of as, overuse of the suffix -ing, overuse of similar words. You can't get away from using as and -ing. It's part of the language, but overuse just turns the writing into wearisome pulp instead of entertaining fiction.



And then she wanted clearer examples, and here is that answer:

"He rolled into his lover's body as gorgeous boy nipped his shoulder. They kissed as they pumped each others cocks. They touched, and groaned, and said hot little words as they squirmed into the bedding."

Individually, nothing wrong with any of those. But it goes off the purple prose deep end because of the overuse of "as" as the only timing word. Now take that and multiply the overuse into a short story, novella, novel. Then you can see the reason for my complaint.

I see one of these type sentences almost every one or two paragraphs in most works I come across these days. I've seen these timing sentences exclusively in paras of beginning writers. As a writer learns the craft, he or she moves away from uniformity, but some of them still keep certain habits. This can be style, or it can be just not having come to the point of seeing the need to change. There are many times I see "as" as a timing word when a changed format would have been better.

"He shifted to the right as John came closer."

"He shifted to the right when John came closer."

There's a difference in sentence meaning. First one is an action happening at the same time. The second could be construed as John completed the action of coming closer, or not. He could be just doing it. But if you have a manuscript overloaded with the word "as" used for timing, it might be better to use "when". This is especially true when doing action scenes and you discover three or four sentences relying on "as" for timing.

There is the suffix -ing for timing, but it can be overused as well, and when it is, it's god awful. There is also when, while, during. There are as well just ways of managing sentences to show the action by just constructing the paragraph in a logical order.
And the final note in the conversation, a concern that she must do edits of her work. My answer:

LOL. Every time I do an edit of my own stuff, I see things I can change, be it so little a thing as a comma, because I learn things every month. But there came a point where I had to just let a manuscript go and see how it managed as it was. There's only so much fiddling anyone can do before one has to back off and let the manuscript live or die on its current merit.

So don't get too worked up about searching for "as" if you weren't planning to do an edit in the first place.


Addendum: However, if you plan on sending it to a publisher, it's time to get worked up. Open the file again and start revising.

Labels:

Where or where is Memoware?

Memoware seems to have vanished from the internet at the moment. I'm not getting rid of any links to the site just yet. I hope it will come back, as mysteriously as it disappeared. It has done this before. The mystery. The mystery.

Will go off and do a mantra for it.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Get your as out of there!

No, that subject title was not spelled wrong. The topic of this rant: "as", its rampant overuse in common North American fiction.

This is not about "as" used in "He was as fast as a jackhammer." This is about "as" in sentences like this: "He moaned and quivered as she walked her fingers up his spine."

I've seen entire paragraphs filled with this use of "as". Full. Horrendous, horrible, massive loads of "as" used as a timing word. Look! I just used "as"! But was it a timing word? NO!

What happened to when and while? Tell me?

So you get to an action scene in your writing and you're just boogeying. Go back and look again. See if this happened to you, and you have my sympathies if it did:

He moaned and quivered as she walked her fingers up his spine. It felt so good, her touch, and he groaned as she leaned into him. He wanted to touch her, and rolled over as she kissed his neck.

"I love you," he said as he pulled her closer.

"I love you, too," she whispered as she nipped his lower lip.


And it's all so very, very uniform. Ain't it? It's damned immature writing, too. Go back and think about "while" and "when". Go back and think about a change in style, something to break the monotony of ases that you intend to throw at your reader.

He moaned and quivered as she walked her fingers up his spine. It felt so good, her touch, and he groaned when she leaned into him. He wanted to touch her, and rolled over, catching a kiss upon his neck.

"I love you," he said and pulled her closer.

"I love you, too," she whispered, light nip on lower lip.



Do you get the point? Balance! Not uniformity!

Ok. Rant done.

Labels:

Gryphon sales! Wheee!

Just what I love to see, sales of the earlier books in the series. One sale each of Gryphon Two and Three.

Yay! Thanks, buyer!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
-----------------------------

One MORE forum!

Erotic Dreams Forum

I expect good things from this place. Yes, I do. So there's the link. Authors come on in and deluge the place with good stuff.

Readers, too! Ya gots ta know the authors and also check out the Erotic Dreams Zine.

Go on! Go! Phhttp. Move your mouse. Click!
--------------------------

Friday, February 24, 2006

Forum reminder

http://gayfiction.forumsplace.com/index.html

Just a reminder to everyone that there is a forum out there where you can discuss fiction that has gay content. You are welcome to introduce topics and tell us about books of any genre that fit the basic bill.

Come on over and leave a post.
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February 2006 stat day

As usual, old stats in brackets.

Hits on the Lulu book pages:

Gryphon One 489 (438)

Little interruption. I've been keeping track of these on a MS Excel spreadsheet for months now. I really have to. Whenever I take my Lulu book pages off line (by taking the books out of sales for a while, for example), then all the visitor stats are reset to zero, a real annoyance, and so only my old stats recorded on my spreadsheet are of any use to me. Fortunately, Memoware has managed to keep track of downloads despite however many times the site went down back in 2005. That site seems pretty reliable now, btw, but I still keep a running daily log in case it crashes again.

And back to my stats of the month. These are hits on the book pages, not sales. Books one of Bound and Gryphon are most important to me, because they give me the only clue as to free downloads from those pages. I think I may drop these other book page trackers as useless, because there are only free excerpts on those pages. Yeah. I think I'll do that. Next month, only hits for Bound One and Gryphon One, as those reflect possible downloads.

Gryphon Two 169 (127)
Gryphon Three 30 (24)

Bound One 242 (212)
Bound Two 31 (28)
Bound Three 20 (18)

Dispositon One 40 (26)
Dispositon Two 8 (6)
Disposition Three 15 (12)

And downloads from Memoware:

Gryphon One 835 (709)
Bound One 781 (700)

The site counters:

Bravenet 641 (544)
Yahoo 78 (72)

And Lulu sales are 11 for this stat period. Two each of all the Dispositions. Two each of Bound Two and Three, one Gryphon Three. Total sales are now at 35.

Good news yet again, I know I can sell a series because I get sales of Disposition, all the set in one shot, and it's the last three books so far published. That means nine books read by a reader. Nine. All in the 120 000 word range and up. So. Is good. Is good.

Bad news, not moving my ass very fast on publicity.

Other good news, I'm still doing well with my new writing and I may have interested someone in it.

And that's it. Go me. Go me.
----------------------------

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Finished "Loved Him to Death"

Word count before major edits 46 121. Definitely a novella by my standards, but I've already figured out how to make the next section, which could go long enough to turn this story into a novel. And not from the same character perspective either. Time to shuffle on over to another character POV. Still first person. I'm going to stick to that for this set.

But man, it was nice to just go all out and get it done. It fell out of my head. I swear. Just fell out.

I finished another proofreading for Torquere as well, and am waiting for the next one due March 15 to be emailed. And I have the erotic thingy to turn into a novel/novella as well, but this "Loved Him" piece was just sooo fun and easy to write. The other was fun and easy, too, in its way, but this one took over.

I have to go do emails now and see what I can do with this thing.

Four!

Four sales, one each of the Dispositions again, and one Gryphon 3.

Thank-you buyer, buyers! Thank-you. :-)

::does her little happy dance::
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Godiva's, Canadian made, good fun smut

My latest favourite (or at least one of them) TV show: Godiva's.

I love this show. It has a warning notice before playing. Why? Because men are kissing.

Yah, yah. There are women kissing, too. But it's really because men are kissing. I love watching Michael McMurtry on this show. He plays Cordell, a skinny, tall, blond, and one bitchin' cute guy to watch, especially when he's trying hard not to be gotten. He's just so good at looking conflicted, and so good at acting. He's so fruity. But he ain't gay. He's married and has kids.

Oh, wait! Men can marry men in Canada! Now I don't know anything! Who knows how he got those kids!

Ok. Back to Godiva's.

And then there's a few others that are hot. Lead chef has one fine ass, but I'm sorry, I don't like the character Stephen Lobo plays. If that chef is not remotely like him in real life, then he's one fine actor, too. But I hate that sort of guy.

I like his roommate. In the show, Martin, a short Quebecer always ready to say a few bad French words, but the actor ain't from Quebec.

And then there's Stick. Hot baby. Are the nipple piercings real? Hot anyway. Actor Matthew Currie Holmes.

And sprinkle in a few hot ladies, best of them being restaurant manager played by Erin Karpluk.

There. My plug for Godiva's. Brought to you for the smut (interspersing humourous moments and bits of drama).
----------------------------

Monday, February 20, 2006

Another sale, now even

My odd sales of the Bound set evened out today. One copy of Bound 2 purchased, and I have equal purchases of Bound 2 and 3 again. :-)

Thank-you, buyer!

::puttering off, certain that the world likes perfect groups of things::

Sunday, February 19, 2006

My son's birthday came up again a short while ago. I wrote the following a year back and emailed it to him. Then I lost the copy. He sent this to me today, and here I post it. It's as valid as it was then.
------------------------


Last night, I was loading wood into the oven, and I was thinking, when we celebrate a child's birthday, we don't just celebrate for him or her. You're my first child. You're eighteen. Your birth was a long time ago now, but for every year you survive and prosper, it is a year in which I am grateful and happy. I celebrate that you are my child, however old you are, and that you are still here. That makes me happy. If a parent has a right to anything , it is to see a child live.

I know living isn't always easy, but I have confidence in you. You aren't the same as every other being on this planet. You have it in you to see the world from a perspective that is entirely unique. Relax. My best advice. Relax, take a moment to look at the world without wanting anything from it, and look toward your happiness before money and status.

I love you,

Mom
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Saturday, February 18, 2006

And more sales.

Oh, my. Three days in a row. This time one each of the Dispostions. Thank you to the buyer. :-)

And now for those of you just arriving at my blog, here's the order of my novels chronologically:

Bound in Stone 1,2,3

The Gryphon Taint 1,2,3

The Disposition of Ashes 1,2,3

You can read Gryphon before Bound, no trouble at all (see the book page for details):
http://soulstonechronicles.bravehost.com/TheGryphonTaint.htm

Or you can read Bound before Gryphon:

http://soulstonechronicles.bravehost.com/BoundinStone.htm

But ya can't read Disposition before either without missing a large amount of related plot. At the point of Dispositoin, the series is off and running, and it all starts coming together. You need the background to keep following if you want to really understand the nuances of why the characters do the things they do.

Ok. Thanks again to the buyer. You've made me feel wonderful tonight. :-)

And I'm back to finishing my "Loved Him to Death" piece, which has hit the 30 000 mark. I started this on Feb 09. Not bad. Not bad.

And I have my second paid proofreading from Torquere assigned, and so I must also devote some time to that. And I have a promise to keep to someone from a forum. But he knows I've gone nuts writing this "Loved Him" thing, so I have some leeway. :-)

And yes! I will turn that other thing I started for Erotic Romance into a novel or novella! I just got this shark thing to finish! (Love Him to Death--lottsa sharks.)

And no, I'm sorry, I'm still taking a much needed vacation from The Soulstone Chronicles. Yes, the books are all written up to number 17, but it doesn't hurt for me to come back after I've gone a small distance from it. I did read some of my galleys for extra proofreading, but I confess I skipped to my favourite parts, the smut.

Hell, I just needed to go create something different, I guess. It'll be good. Don't worry. I'll come back to Soulstone feeling refreshed. It's hard work being the publisher, editor, proofreader, writer, promoter. I'm having a Soulstone vacation. For sure you'll see The Redemption of Tehlm Sevet up on Lulu, just won't make any forecast as to the publishing date just now. Having a ball being just a writer again.
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Friday, February 17, 2006

New Release from Kay Derwydd

Melindo: My Lover



Adrian is an elf living in a mortal world. He’s almost given up hope of ever finding others like himself, but then he meets an enigmatic singer named Erik. Adrian quickly learns to accept his true identity, as well as a love that will surpass all time.

Genre: Gay Erotic Paranormal
Rating: Adult
Length: Short Story, 8,300 Words

Available at Chippewa Publishing:
http://chippewapublishing.com/product_info.php?products_id=91

EXCERPT:

Adrian nearly dropped his cup, but the man caught it with an unnoticed move of his wrist—unnoticed by all but Adrian. He looked up at the man and smiled for the first time in several months.

“It’s always difficult, this time of year,” Erik said as he set Adrian’s cup on the bar beside them. “I promise it passes; you become accustomed to it after a while.”

“How did you know?” Adrian asked him, still in shock from finding another like himself.

The man smiled and slid his fingers through the parti-colored twists and braids to reveal the faintest hint of a pointed ear. Adrian dropped his gaze, part from shame, part from embarrassment. Erik slipped his other hand under his chin and lifted his head.

“Don’t hide who you are,” he whispered.

If it had been anyone else, they wouldn’t have heard him, but Adrian heard him clear as day. In an odd twist of emotion, he suddenly felt ashamed for being ashamed. It wasn’t a feeling he was used to. Erik’s next move served only to unnerve him even more. Without another word, Erik leaned forward and opened his mouth on Adrian’s. Adrian’s breath left him when Erik’s tongue slid between his lips, parting them slowly and gently. The kiss was short but left Adrian lightheaded and breathless nonetheless.

“I have to go to work now,” Erik said quietly. He hadn’t released Adrian’s hair and his grip had tightened with their kiss.

“I finally find someone else and now you’re leaving?” Adrian asked him, feeling hurt and utterly confused.

Erik smiled and pulled him close. Adrian gasped as their bodies met and pressed tightly together.

“Not at all,” Erik whispered close to Adrian’s lips. He nodded his head slightly in the direction of the stage. “I’m not going far. Won’t you stay and listen to the band?”

“You-you’re in the band?”

Erik smiled. “I’m the singer.” He kissed Adrian softly, then left him and went to the stage.

“Who was that?”

Adrian turned to see Jacob giving him a rather quizzical look. Abby stood beside him, her arm linked in his, a knowing smile on her face. Adrian grabbed his cup and downed half the rum and Coke in one nervous swallow. Well, he thought, here goes. He turned to face the two of them and smiled sheepishly.

“I guess I have some explaining to do,” he said as he looked from Jacob to Abby.

“You don’t have to explain,” Abby said, “but we’re more than willing to listen. It’s obvious now why you’ve never shown any interest in women.”

Adrian sat down on the barstool beside Jacob and sighed. “Yeah, I guess that probably is obvious now.” He looked up at them—at Jacob mostly—and said, “I’m sorry. It’s not something I’m extremely open about, but I suppose I should’ve said something a long time ago.”

Jacob shrugged and grinned. “Nah, no big deal, man,” he said. “You like guys; so what? You think it’s gonna change our friendship?”

Adrian let his gaze slip away, not wanting to confirm that very fear. Jacob’s hand on his shoulder told him that all was not as bad as he would imagine.

“Adrian, we’ve been friends for over ten years. Men or women, it doesn’t matter to me; you are who you are.”

“You’re not freaked out?” Adrian asked, raising a dark eyebrow.

“Not in the least. Although I am curious as to who that guy was,” Jacob grinned.

Adrian looked to the stage and remained quiet for several minutes as he watched Erik set up his mic. “I don’t know,” he said, “but I want to.”
_________________
Kay Derwydd:
http://www.geocities.com/kay_derwydd
http://www.livejournal.com/users/kay_derwydd
***
Mychael Black:
http://www.geocities.com/mychaelblack
http://thedevilsconcubine.blogspot.com

Another sale, but odd

Someone bought Bound 3, but not Bound 2, which was odd because I had equal sales of both until now. So how does one read book three before book two? Hmm?

Anyhow, thank-you to the buyer.

::toddling off to ponder mystery::

off line, no power, no water, no flushing

No power today. Had an outage from around 12:40 to 8:15. And since we have a well that uses an electric pump, no water. None. We had one half a pitcher of filtered water in the Brita jug, and some water in bottles for car trips, and then snow melt for emergency flushing. I washed my hands in old dish water all day. Fortunately we have a wood stove for heat, or we'd have frozen.

Boring! I had a small snooze with kids flashing flashlights in my eyes around 7 pm, but the power at last came on and we settled into watch our Friday night anime cartoons. And that's done. And I'm back on to do my site checks.

On to next post.
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Thursday, February 16, 2006

Sales!

Oh! Someone made me feel like a decent author again. I had a sale each of Bound Two and Three. Thank you to the buyer. You've put the oomph back in my step.

I know, I know. I have a small market niche, and I'm only doing a slow crawl at getting my name known, so I can't expect miraculous numbers of sales. But I'm an artist! Nuff said. We're an easily discouraged bunch, at least when nobody's looking. Then we creep around whining to our husbands, in the case of those who have them.

Actually, that's not true. I don't say much of anything to him about sales, and when he asks, I give him the flat answer. No. None today. Can't expect a lot. I'm unknown, and I write fantasy and gay. Not cowboy and gay.

I tell you all now. I refuse to write cowboy and gay just because of Brokeback Mountain. And I refuse to write an all out tragedy in which my hero will never, ever win.

Yes. Someone dies on occasion, but my hero will bounce back and screw men again. Guaranteed.

So I had sales today, and that feels nice. Especially on top of the fact that my "Love Him to Death" short is coming along very nicely. No cowboys. Lots of gods. I do love messing with gods. Much more interesting than cowboys, imo.

:-)

Have fun reading about my gods, nice buyer!
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Love Him to Death just keeps going

This little challenge thingy managed to catch my muse and chain it down. Between birthday parties and St. Valentine's, I've pretty much been doing nothing but it. I'm working on the sixth chapter now. It's come to about 16 577 words so far. I think I can get it to respectable short story size, perhaps novella. I've tested up to chapter two on forums and it holds interest all right. Not exactly erotic until chapter five, but hey! I'm not much of a PWP gal. I like a story with my smut.

So at the moment my other thingy for Erotic Dreams has finished up enough to end the serial portion of it, but I do intend to take the characters further along after I run Love Him to Death to the ground. At this rate, I should have it finished in a few days, then it's back to work on the Erotic Dreams thingy. Won't say what that one is. You'll all see it on Erotic Dreams around April or so.

These teeny chapters I've been doing are interesting. Easier, I suppose. For Soulstone, I had a twenty computer page standard (using MS Word) for my chapters, and the majority of the books all ran into the 120 000 word plus range as a result. Most had ten chapters. These little stories I've been working on are like one of those chapters, not very big. But for some reason, I'm finding it easy to write smaller plot lines. I think it's because I'm thinking serial, as in short stories published monthly. How to make a story so sectional it can be told in small spurts instead of big epics. For erotica, this works fine.

And now that I've given you all the update, I'm back to work for another fifteen minutes of story writing before I feel guilty enough to go to bed.

Friday, February 10, 2006

More of the little challenge thing

I've cobbled together a chapter end for that little piece I posted yesterday, and so now I must get back to the serial piece that I started for Erotic Dreams. I'm turning that one into a novel, and plan to pump out a book sized story in a few months. Means no more messing about. Means putting off any edits of Soulstone for now. I needed a breather from Soulstone anyway. Will do me good to back off for a bit, though I've already backed off since January.

No, that's not long of a breather at all, is it? I'll give it a good few months, I guess. But here's the ending of the "I love you to death" challenge, or at least the end of this beginning chapter. Remember to read the previous post for the beginning, those of you newly arrived to my blog.

Gruesome. So gruesome. Never would I do such a thing. But then, I’m a selfish man.

“Tell me, Deyer Halva. Why are there not more people making for Celestial Dome? In fact, why are there not more citizens here on the dock?”

As I said this, I turned landward, and saw at once that the denizens of Celestial City had been barred from the dockyard. There they were, on up the tiers to the highest summit, lining the main boulevard and completely packing sections of other streets that I was able to view from my position. The local constables had barred all routes just above the beachfront. I hadn’t noticed beforehand, too intent on the duties of a ship owner. The dockyard still had the usual complement of workers, but now I realized that none made attempts to approach Celestial Path. And in fact, there were no vendors and whores on the docks this day either, unusual in itself.

“Oh,” I said.

“It is always this way,” Halva told me. “Intana chooses from among the worthy of Verdant first. These others will see the new Oradhé on his triumphal march up to the palace.”

Yes. It was always this way. Only the worthy first, the worthy, the rich.

“Ah. So your esteemed warriors and scholars are already within Celestial Dome?” I asked. Yes, I can be sarcastic, but I generally hid it with smiles and polite blandness. One cannot make good business contracts with disgruntled associates.

“But of course. Those that have their patrons’ vouchers.”

“Ah.” I see. I, unworthy infidel, have this day gained an esteemed and wealthy patron. Halva had made use of my purportedly unprecedented arrival to snatch up a novelty to parade before his peers, an outsider that had come into harbour despite that today was the day of the new Oradhé’s investiture. I tell you, I had to refrain from making a cynical smile. “I look forward to this, Deyer Halva,” I said, smiling, but politely. I made a small bow to veil the certain derision in my eyes. I can only hide so much. A direct look would not do right now.

Halva knocked me on the shoulder again and we at last set foot on Celestial Path. And I felt as if the skin of my forehead had tightened to the point of ripping apart. Would it be the first section to crawl into my bones?

The long waving bounce of the planks became easier for my mind to bear than the distant statues that we approached. I strode along, looking down with a frown, for the first time realizing that Celestial Path never seemed lower or higher than the first steps of the dome. Ah, marvels. I was an idiot. All these years and it had been before my eyes. Impossible for the path not to change in height compared to the dome, unless both responded equally to the tide. Celestial Dome truly did float upon the waves.

“Deyer—?”

“Yes, Choné?”

“How is it that the path stays so very straight upon the water? Is it anchored in some manner as well?”

“Why, yes, but…not as you might expect.” I looked up and at him. He was smiling, smug and self-important. “Beneath us is nothing but the water, but beneath the water are the guide planks that lay in the seabed, and these make the ones above stay in position.”

“Guide planks? Unattached?” I was thinking anchors still, but it was nothing so simple.

“Unattached. There is a magic within the boards of Celestial Path. They are governed by the position of the planks set in the seabed below. The tide can move the ones we stride upon, but only up or down.”

“Amazing!” Truly. I couldn’t believe it, and yet I knew I should. There ahead was Celestial Dome, and logic dictated that it floated, for I would see the change in position compared to the cerulean path if not. But Celestial Dome had always been at the same height as its causeway. “These boards? How were they put in the seabed?”

“It was amongst the first tasks, after the rout of the enemy, that the first Oradhé demanded of Intana.”

Ah. Divinity’s fingers mixing in earthly mediums again. Naturally nothing that had once been ordinary would be as anyone expected, given this truth. I began to wonder if Verdant’s celebrated paint had its origin in the same extraordinary process.

“Ah, Deyer! So many things I have learned in only a few minutes! Your people have been legendary for keeping your religious matters a secret, and yet the things you have said!”

Halva pulled me to a stop on the causeway. “But Choné! You are of Ardu now? Do you not see that? You cannot reveal these things to any others! It would be sacrilege!”

I stared at Halva a few seconds, wondering to what depth he may have sunk me into his religion. “Um…my crew arrived here with me, Deyer. What of them?”

“They are of no account. You are their master, and only you matter in the eyes of Omos. It was you, good man, that Omos permitted into the harbour. It is a certainty. The First Servant said it to me himself when we stood on the west balcony of the dome and watched your ship sail in past the points.”

“I see.” I drew in a firming breath, glancing back at the harbour and thinking as I had done upon arriving that it was oddly barren of foreign vessels. There were a few, but it seemed that they had been there since before today. I wondered if their crews had been forced to remain on ship for the duration of the investiture. “I see. Then I must respect your traditions and keep the secrets of the Ardu,” I said to Halva.

Halva beamed at me. I received yet another good thump on my back, and off we went again. My cheeks were beginning to feel stretched. Would the skin there creep beneath my muscles before my forehead did? I looked down at the cerulean planks. So bland, so blue, easier to contemplate than the twins guarding the steps up the shine. We hadn’t walked a third of the distance yet, and I wanted to turn back already.

Something dark flashed past to the side, something in the water, something huge. I jerked Halva to a halt.

“Halva! There are sharks in the harbour! Does not your god keep them out? It was my understanding.”

“Keep them out?” Halva scanned the water lapping close to the path. “Well, He keeps them out of the main parts, yes. But beneath the cerulean path, and under the dome, they are free to wander. No unprepared man of Verdant may trespass beneath the holy edifice, or inspect the mechanisms of the walkway."

How many times had I jumped into the harbour water with my crew for a good dip when the weather had been too warm? I couldn’t count. Those were breaker sharks down there, sharks that hunted along shorelines. These were the type that had made man a delicacy on their menu. No other shark in all the oceans were as voracious when it came to hunting humans that dared encroach on Vaal’s territory without permission. Vaal is my god, and looking at His favourite servants, my skin crawled less than when my attention was on the marble effigies of Omos.

One of the breaker sharks came up close to the path and rolled so that one black eye looked at me as it glided by. Black back, grey sides, white belly. Beautiful, dangerous child of Vaal.

“Peace, little brother,” I said. “I didn’t know you were there. I’ll give you a gift later to make amends.”

The dark shadows beneath the ripples flashed away and were gone. Next to me, Halva made a small shocked noise, then grabbed my upper arm. “Choné! I’ve never seen that happen before! What have you done?”

“Nothing of any import. They only came up so that I would notice.”

He stared at me a moment, then looked again at the empty depths. “How could you not have noticed them before now?”

“I’ve never been this far up the path before. Last time, I turned back only ten feet out from the shore.” And now I was a good hundred and fifty feet out, and still only a third of the way there. I didn’t know if I could make it further.

“But I’ve never seen them leave just from a man talking to them,” Halva said. “Why would they listen to you?”

“But don’t you know, Deyer. They are children of Vaal, just as I am. That is what my people believe.”

“Vaal?” Halva repeated. His expression hinted of distaste. I looked away to avoid being further offended. “But you were claimed by Omos this day. Come. You must enter the dome at once.”

A sharp tug on my arm, and we were moving again. From the corner of my eye, little brother reappeared, and he was grinning. Mercy, Vaal. What were you thinking to send me into this harbour on this day? Do you owe Omos a favour?

However much my skin now pained me, I could not turn back. I had been given a mission. I had best see the innards of Celestial Dome, or Vaal would send me to his favoured offspring the next time I dared to take a dip anywhere but in a small tub.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

small first draft in response to a challenge

ERWF has a forum called Challenges and Plot Bunnies. A nudge about a challenge, "I love you to death", came up at the top of the list. I wasn't going to do anything, and then an idea burned it's way into my mind and I threw together this little piece this morning so that the idea wouldn't 'leave' me. And here it is for all of you, just the first draft. Will have to shove in any fixes to the details later. I've been messing with first person lately. Not for every piece of work, but for shorter fiction. I think I can manage to keep this one in the fifty thousand word range. ::gives a wry wink::


Today the investiture of the new Oradhé, and I happened to sail into harbour. Such a rare occasion made a stopover a necessity. Rather than take on new cargo at once and depart, as was my habit, I made the appropriate security decisions, gave half the crew shore leave—the lucky half that threw the high dice—and set off with a business associate to see the exalted event.

Deyer Halva was very excited about the investiture, and nattered on about it the short walk down the docks to the Celestial Dome. I’d always wanted to enter the dome, but only the faithful were generally permitted to worship within. The stone guardians at the entrance, with their blank-eyed stares, had been enough to keep me off every time I’d approached in the past. There was just something about those snakish aquatic figures that made my skin creep, as if it wanted to crawl beneath my muscles and hide inside my bones. But the dome had always drawn me despite this. I just couldn’t walk past the threshold into the dominion of the Ether Dragon. Until today. In Deyer Halva’s company, I would at last dare, accompanied by a man of the Ardu faith.

“It is the most exquisite structure in all of the world, don’t you think, Deyer Choné?”

Deyer means merchant in their tongue. And my name isn’t Choné. It’s Haru Sachoné , but the people of Verdant Isle tend to drop first syllables in names when they are friendly with a person. In my tongue, truncating a family name isn’t polite, but for the sake of good profits, I suffered the practice while on the isle. They always forget, the people of Verdant, that my given name is said first, not last. They are the exact opposite that way.

I responded to the Deyer’s question while looking up at the roof of Celestial Dome. Right now, it was blue as the sky, but at night it would turn into milk and seem like the moon had landed in the harbour. They had a way with them, the craftsmen of Verdant. They could make a paint that changed tone dependant on the light. It was their paint that I took on as cargo when I made my stops here.

“It’s exquisite,” I said. “I wish that the colour were available to trade. It’s a very common shade anywhere else. Sky blue, I mean.”

“It is forbidden,” Halva said, and his tone was certain and inhospitable, where before it had been a veritable avalanche of excitement and smiles. “No structure may bear the celestial colours.”

“Not here, no,” I said, and quickly changed the topic. “But it’s simply amazing that a roof that size stays up, or that the entire structure doesn’t sink into the ocean. It’s so huge! I can’t imagine what must have been done to support it’s weight. Your people must have dumped a mountain of gravel beneath.”

“Omos will not let Celestial Dome sink,” Halva replied. I smiled and nodded, and Halva’s good humour returned. He made a huge grin. “I have swum beneath.”

I blinked and my mouth dropped open. “You swam beneath? There’s a cave under there?”

Halva’s expression became serious again. “I only say this because you come on this day of all days, a day of good fortune. No ship can enter harbour that bears an enemy on the day a new Oradhé is chosen. No ship generally enters at all. But yours did, and so I can tell you this secret thing that only we men of Verdant comprehend.” He almost seemed to double in size, his chest puffed so much. “Beneath Celestial Dome is nothing but water and one massive golden chain linking it to the World. That is all. I have swum beneath, on my day of manhood, and seen the umbilical cord that connects us to heaven. Omos be praised for His mercy.”

“Omos be praised,” I repeated dutifully.

An umbilical cord? Did this imply that Celestial Dome had been set in the harbour through divine will? I just couldn’t believe it. There had to be solid bedrock beneath, not a manmade foundation as I’d thought. And within the solid bedrock, a cave with a golden chain. Manmade again.

Halva gave me a shock to the shoulders, slapping his big hand hard on my right side. “You are blessed, Choné. Omos let you in the harbour. That’s as good as making you a man of Verdant.”

“Ah! How lucky, I am!” I wasn’t entirely convinced of this, but was pleased nevertheless, for it was certain to make trade better.

“You will see the new Oradhé chosen, Choné. It is a wonderful day.”

Again I wasn’t entirely convinced, because the Oradhé, whoever he or she ended up being, had their eyes put out the minute the divine son of Omos lifted his eyes to fix his gaze on the old Oradhé’s successor. The holy ceremony of sacrifice was done quickly and before the view of all present during the investiture, divine son included. I couldn’t help but ask, and now that Halva seemed to accept me, thought I’d get an answer.

“Why do they put out the Oradhé’s eyes, Deyer Halva? Why does the divine son let it happen?”

“Ah! It is a thing of wisdom and also of tragedy. During the time of the great invasion, when we begged Omos for His mercy and He decided to give us His son, He made it clear that Intana’s stay would not be permanent. There was a condition with his loan—actually, one of many. Intana, first of all, must have a master toward whom he will cleave and thus remain under control, for Intana is an immature god and needs guidance. Secondly, Intana will only obey his Oradhé and protect the people of Verdant after the Oradhé touches Intana’s Seal. This is, in actuality, Intana’s spiritual heart. Omos saw fit to give Intana this single weakness for our benefit. You understand? Intana will not lift a finger for the Oradhé beforehand. We are, after all, just mortals.”

It made very much sense to me, and I said so. There could be no possible way to for a mortal to control a god, even an immature one, if there were no shackles to bind the god’s power. Halva smiled at me for my quick perception, and continued on with my education, but my eyes drifted toward the walkway that we approached. The floating path lay perpendicular to the main dock, and was a blue length of planks extending to the Celestial Dome. At their end, just thirteen feet from the entrance, the statues waited. My skin was already beginning to crawl.

“Thirdly,” Halva said, “Intana will choose only someone capable of loving him without reservation, and so each Oradhé is certain to be kind to him. But…”

There was always a ‘but’ when it came to the gods. It seemed that the Ardu god was no different. Ardu means dragon in the Verdant tongue. The people of the isle worship an ether dragon, Omos, said to be at one with the heavens. And there, at the end of Floating Path, were His effigies. I don’t like snakes. Never have, and Omos seemed a snake with fins. A veritable eel. And yet He came of the heavens, not the sea. I suspect He must have affinity for both elements.

“…if Intana’s Oradhé should love him to the point of comprehending his true form, then Intana shall be free of servitude to the people of Verdant, and return to his divine father. Upon receiving the seal, the first Oradhé looked upon Intana, saw only a godling, and then ordered his men to put out his eyes before he could see more. And so it has been since that day.”

Mercy. That was horrible, and yet so very courageous. “How wise of him,” I said. “How noble.” Gruesome. So gruesome. Never would I do such a thing. But then, I’m a selfish man.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Answer to a question about speech tags

A fella emailed me a question about dropping speech tags this afternoon, and I ended up writing him a small essay, tiny rant, tiny lesson that summarized tags in general. Since it's always a sore point with me that some critiquers are incapable of adjusting their critiques with regards to style choices (author's voice), I thought I'd paste my answer to the email here. So here it is:

It's perfectly ok to omit a speech tag whenever you
can. If there's no, or only a miniscule possibility of
reader confusion, go ahead and omit. (There's always a
miniscule possibility of reader confusion. Because
there's always a reader that tries to read at a level
they shouldn't. In case you were wondering about the
miniscule thing.)

Be warned. There are purists out there that think said
is the only valid speech tag. They think it is
invisible (I'm not kidding; an invisible word) and
that the reader should know the emotional context of a
character's words from what the speech infers, not the
tag. These purists think an exclamation mark is
sufficient to imply shouting, that a king can demand
and command with only a he said, and that said
perfectly describes whimpering as well. The only way
around such attitudes is to either ignore them, or do
a little writer shuffling. Like this:


He whimpered into the pillow. "I'm not ready! Don't do
that!"

Instead of "I'm not ready! Don't do that!" he
whimpered. The purists will mock you for using
whimpered in this context, but mostly if you use a lot
of speech tags other than said, or use said with an
adverb or some other descriptive addition, as in: "I'm
not ready! Don't do that," he said, whimpering. Or he
said whiningly. Ew!

The first example above is, in it's way, more potent.
And those in the purist faction might approve of you.
But if we were to be lazy and do only what the purists
want, it would read "I'm not ready! Don't do that!" he
said. Just he said.

And that could be shouting, couldn't it? No damn clue
what the character's tone is. I recommend you go for
as much clues in physical description as you can, like
whimpering into a pillow.

So there it is. My little lesson on speech tags. :-)

Friday, February 03, 2006

Live on Google!

Now just imagine bright lights, a circus ring, and a master of ceremonies bellowing in the centre, trying to make things seem bigger and better and fantastical.

Ok. So my two free to read books are live on Google Books at last. But it doesn't mean what I thought it would. Instead of being able to download the sample chapters from the Google site, we get a window with each page loading as you click for more. Bummer. I was hoping for downloads like Memoware gives.

Oh, well. At least I'm in the Google Books search engine now.

Omniscient

There's a thread on ERWF in the editors forum covering editor opinion on use of omniscient. Some editors have admitted to a disgust with the style, but I thought I'd post my most recent response to that thread here.

I'm with Sable. Omniscient, properly written, should be like watching a movie that pans away from one character and follows enother when story importance changes. There are no black fade outs showing change of POV. There are only fade outs showing change of place or time.

This strict third person trend treats reading like it isn't watching characters from the outside. It shoves us straight into one head, and we shouldn't empathize with any character but "the one" as a result, not see anything but what "the one" sees. It's like uber first person. First person with pretentions of grandeur.

Maybe I'm being harsh, but I think strict third person developed as a trend to accomodate writers incapable of writing omniscient logically. If you look at the history of omniscient's fall from grace, you'll see it started when more people got home computers. What happened there? More people started writing. More people sent in their manuscripts. More bad manuscripts hit the slush piles. More editors threw up their hands in disgust.

Omniscient may be the natural first choice of a beginning writer. We "see" everything as we read, like in a movie. So we write like we see. But now we discover very quickly that many publishing houses don't want panoramic with zoom. They want only one camera. One. And if the zoom is to incorporate some other character's thoughts, we must totally break off the filming, choose a new focus, and use only one camera again, but no looking at anything else! Just one focus. We ain't allowed to throw in multiple camera shots and paste them together.

No filmmaker would work this way unless he was on a budget and really did only have one camera.

Original stylesheet © 2006  Thur Broeders